Friday, February 27, 2009

Ni Hao, hope crusher!

So, Thursday night I was craving noodles from Panda Express. Ryan, helpful as always, brought them home promptly. After taking two bites and then pushing them away, I turned to my fortune cookie, hoping for a little help. I told Ryan that my "fortune" would say that I was going to wake up the next morning feeling absolutely wonderful in every way and that I would continue to feel that way. I cracked the cookie open, eagerly sliding the small piece of paper out (ignoring the actual cookie which I never eat), and found these words:

"You have an overactive imagination."

Yeah, THANKS for the vote of confidence Panda Express fortune writers! Ryan laughed his guts out and I sat there trying to figure out what they have against me.

So, I decided to eat the cookie, thinking that maybe the fact that I hadn't wasted it this time would grant me something a little more helpful next time. And I did at least take comfort in my husband's fortune:

"You will inherit a large sum of money."

Friday, February 20, 2009

Diary of a Sick Pregnant Woman


(ring ring)
Megan: Hello?
Ryan: Hey, I'm filling up the car at the gas station, do you need me to pick anything up?
Megan: I really need a hot dog. A big fat one from 7-Eleven with everything on it. Please hurry!!
Ryan: No problem, see you in a bit!

later that night...

Megan: This is sooo good! Thank you!!


(Megan is gagging in the bathroom as an awful smell permeates the air in the house)

Megan: (stepping into the kitchen, hand over mouth) WHAT are you making?
Ryan: A hot dog. Do you want one?
Megan: (with horrified look on face) You have to stop now! It's awful! (returns to the bathroom to keep retching)


(ring ring)

Ryan: Hello?
Megan: I think I need a hamburger for dinner tonight. Will you stop at the store on your way home and pick up a bag of hamburger patties?
Ryan: Of course, I love you!

later that night...

Megan: This is so perfect, thank you!!


(Ryan is home for lunch. Megan is in her bed with the covers over her head trying to keep from inhaling the TERRIBLE odor emanating from the kitchen)

Megan: (finally emerging from the bedroom after several minutes bonding with the toilet) No more cooking hamburgers. I can't handle it!


(ring ring)

Ryan: Hello?
Megan: I need a McDonald's chicken sandwich, and some chicken nuggets for later.
Ryan: No problem. I'll be home soon!

later that night and half a sandwich later...

Ryan: How's your sandwich?
Megan: (eyes closed, hand over mouth, sandwich unfinished) I think I'm going to puke.


(Ryan, Megan and Tyler on their way to meet others in the branch to go to the Draper Temple open house. Must stop at the store first)

Megan: Ok, I need a bottle of water, yogurt-covered raisins and...something chocolatey...or something. Reese's Pieces.
Ryan: Be right back.

Ten minutes later...

Ryan: Ok, here's your water and yogurt-covered raisins, but they didn't have Reese's Pieces.
Megan: (staring at the yogurt-covered raisins in horror) So you didn't buy me anything chocolate?
Ryan: ...sorry. Should I go back in?
Megan: No, it's fine, we have to go (sliding offensive raisins back in grocery back and chucking them in the back seat while trying not to puke at the thought of them)

Ryan, thank you for sticking around. I love you!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

The Self Help Elf

I like to read. Lucky, since my mother probably owns and continues to buy every book published in the history of the world. Every book, that is, published by Deseret Book, Covenant or any other publisher of church books by authors with names like Brent Yorgason, Chris Heimerdinger and various other importantly initialled people. Maybe it's BECAUSE of this that I learned to love to read. Whatever the reason, I have lovingly dubbed my mother The Self Help Elf because of the way she finds a book for almost every situation in life.

Before my brother and I entered adolescence and were still normal, well-behaved (right mom?), carefree children, we just got to hear fun stories. Except the time when I was 5 or 6 and apparently asked where babies come from, then found the book my mom had gotten from the library about it that she had intended to read to us herself. I got to it first. It was complete with pictures and all. LITTLE bit of a different genre than Tennis Shoes Among the Nephites.

But then I turned 12 and Christmas and birthdays started to include books with names like Braces, Pimples and Jr. High or something very similar to that. Every year there were new ones, the subjects becoming increasingly more serious. Before I turned 16 there were books about NOT dating. Then after 16 there were books about dating, but dating carefully (one that I can recall was Dating: no guts, no glory). I think MOST of the books in my collection came during that period of time.

Then after high school graduation there were books about college, living on my own, cookbooks and, for a change, books about dating in college. After I met Ryan and professed to be smitten with him and wanting to marry him at age 19, my father joined the ranks of Self Help Elf-ism. He gave me a book, which he picked out all by himself, called How do I Know if I'm Really in Love? Apparently the book had the desired effect because Ryan and I broke up instead of getting married. Then we got back together after China and I received from my mother First Comes Love. A really great book that goes ahead and assumes that you have read the above mentioned book (not by the same author), and have decided that you ARE in love and how to proceed from there. Great book. Ryan and I broke up again. Maybe because he got a book entitled Are You Sure You Don't Want to Date Other People? She's Almost the Only Person You've Dated Since You Returned From Your Mission. I wouldn't be surprised if that book really exists.

About a year later I received another book. Where Do I Go From Here? Does the title say enough about what my life was like at this point? Well, it was basically a "no, just because you're not married at 21 doesn't mean you SHOULD go on a mission. There ARE other options." Great book, but I DID decide to go on a mission, and so proceeded to receive all sorts of mission-themed books.

Skip to after the mission. Ryan and I decided to get married (true to our whole relationship, NO it wasn't that simple, but for the purposes of this post, we'll skip to that). At my wedding shower I got a whole huge basket of books (because obviously this would be the MOST complicated thing I've ever gotten myself into). Included in this basket were The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (by Dr. Laura), Strangling Your Husband is not an Option, and The Five Love Languages, among many others. A couple of weeks later my mom gave me one that she had forgotten to include in the basket: And They Were Not Ashamed. My dad was standing there and as my mother passed me the book, he tried to wrestle it away from me because, according to him "she doesn't need this. She's a good girl." (Yes, the book is about sex) I think he wanted to give me another copy of How Do I Know if I'm Really in Love? Anyway, ALL of the books have been extremely helpful because, I have to say, the first year of marriage definitely had it's difficult points and both of us learned a lot from various things in these books (although none of them instructed a husband as to how to proceed if his wife throws a block of cheese at him :)

Six months later I was pregnant. True to form, at the baby shower I got another basket of books, including What to Expect When You're Expecting, and other good reads on "forming your own family."

After Ty was born there were What to expect the first years, and the wonderful Jackrabbit Factor and Hidden Treasures. Some people go to therapists for help. I read. Education on ANY subject, is ALWAYS a good investment.

My question now is, what books do I need for the second time around?